personal4: What Makes a successful Marriage (v1.0)

On July 10th, 2021, my wife and me celebrated our 44th wedding anniversary. We celebrated our life together and shared in togetherness. We are the lucky ones who made it intact in a relationship that could be full of love and support or hate and estrangement. So, what is the recipe for a successful marriage?

I am not an expert on the subject but will share with you what to me are fundamental truths as I see it. Can't really say I have followed all of these all of the time!!

First, having the same interests or backgrounds or strengths and weakness is not a necessary condition for a successful marriage. Myself and my wife could not be more different. Our interests are quite different – she is into friends, nurturing kids and helping family while I am into professional excellence, logic, and a rule-based order. We have opposite strengths and weaknesses – she is always calm, empathetic, sunny, and a particularly good investor while I am more temperamental, serious, focused and stay as far away from investing as possible. We come from vastly different backgrounds – she as an American child of a marine, who grew up in Hawaii and I am an Indian child of an engineer, who grew up in India. However, what is critical is having the same values. Values are shaped as you grow up and are universal. They form the basis for shared decision making.

Second, there are many things you do that might hurt your spouse. It really is unavoidable. But infidelity should never one of them. That is a key bond of trust that engenders a good relationship. Also, for the hurts inflicted, there needs to be a conscious recognition and forgiveness. Otherwise, a marriage can descend into grievances and finger pointing.

Third, you need to really like and respect each. Love is an even greater bonus and the ideal. If you do not even like each other, living together will not work. We have been incredibly lucky in that we have always loved and respected each other but I got to say there have been times, especially when we are angry, when we have doubted it.

Fourth, good communication is essential. There will be conflicts that has to be resolved. There will be differences that will have to be bridged. If the pair are quite different, it is even more important to communicate to understand each other’s point of view. But most importantly, the love and support must be communicated as frequently as possible to continually reinforce the relationship.

Lastly you must let the other person be their true self and spread their wings and express their thoughts and priorities. They must have that freedom. Otherwise, marriage can be stifling. If there is a conflict of ideas or priorities, the partners need to talk it out and negotiate. There has to be give and take.